I’m convinced by my experience that gossip and slander are among the most poisonous things in the Church. As a fellow blood-bought Christian and a member of the family of God, I have had experience gossiping, listening to gossip, and being the subject of gossip. These experiences took place very often, and (spoiler alert) it was destructive.
I’ve developed four postures toward gossip to help myself avoid it, which in my opinion is the only viable option for a Christian. You must avoid it. Jesus hates gossip and He is, and will be, victorious over it. You don’t want to be on the wrong side of that victory. Before I tell you the four postures, let me share with you a story about how I once was on the wrong side of that victory.
It was 2014, I was part of a church plant in Orange County. We ultimately dissolved and some of our members would reintegrate into the body of Reverence Bible Church. But long before that relatively blissful conclusion, there was a lot of needless drama in the church body. Drama is a non-negotiable element in all church scenarios, but how it’s dealt with is everything to the issue. In walks the drama, and my friend, we’ll call him Jack, found himself in the midst of it. He came to me, telling me what was happening, seeking advice, comfort, and above all, encouragement. It’s never fun to be in the center of an issue of that nature. I was sworn to secrecy as Jack told me the sordid details of this fresh hell. I said what I could, was ultimately no help, and we went on with our lives.
The other member involved in Jack’s problem was now leaving the church. This wasn’t the outcome anyone wanted, but that’s just the way it goes some times. Then one day, I was having a cigar with another friend from church, let’s call him Tom. Tom was a very intelligent man, and generally didn’t ask any questions to which he didn’t already know the answers. There was a lull in the conversation, and out of nowhere, Tom looks me directly in the eyes and asks me, “Do you know about Jack and what’s-his-name?”
Well, that was unexpected. What do you do in this situation? Jack has sworn me to secrecy, but Tom asked me point-blank if I know what’s going on. I have two options: 1) Lie. 2) Admit that I know what’s going on, and violate Jack’s trust. I nodded my head.
It’s later that night, and I woke up at two o’clock in the morning. It turns out that a text message had come in and awoken me. In my half-asleep state, I grab my phone and check to see what’s going on, and on the screen I see a text from Jack:
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TOLD TOM WHAT WAS GOING ON.
Another unexpected turn of events for me. It turns out that after Tom and I were finished with our cigars, he had plans to spend the evening with Jack and his wife. Well, Tom being the good-natured person he was, always wanted to get to the bottom of church drama and fix it. The drama had come up in conversation that night, and Jack realized that someone besides the two of us knew what was going on. It wasn’t looking good for me. It was like that moment in the movie The Departed when Billy Costigan sees that envelope on Colin Sullivan’s desk, which tells him he’s in cahoots with the crime lord of the story, Frank Costello. I could talk about The Departed all day, but the point is, I was in trouble with my friend.
I told Jack everything. I told him I hadn’t said anything, I only affirmed that I was aware of the situation. To be fair, some friends from church were doing construction at my house, and I could hear them discussing this drama through my open bedroom window, so I definitely wasn’t the only leak that needed plugging. (Did that sound crime lord-y?)
Jack expressed to me that from that moment on, he fully expected me to lie if I were ever in that situation again. We don’t share many secrets these days. Christ hates gossip, a lot of people in our church were doing it, He exposed it all and reigned over it, and I was a casualty of that war.
But it didn’t need to be that way. Here are four postures I’ve taken toward gossip that have helped me avoid having any other Departed-esque stories to share with you, and ultimately to live worthy of the calling to which I’ve been called in Christ:
1. Don’t Seek It Out
You would be amazed what this simple state of mind can accomplish. Surrender to the will of God. Things are going to happen about which you know nothing, and people will choose not to confide some things in you. That’s alright. You can’t know everything, nor do you want to. I’ve been the one that knows all the church drama, and I’ve been the one blissfully ignorant of it all; I much prefer the latter. But that doesn’t mean you should avoid it if you can help the problem. Since I’ve taken the posture of not caring about it and not seeking out the information, people come to me all the time and entrust sensitive information to me. Sometimes I can help, sometimes I wish them luck, pray for them, and hope they find help elsewhere. But I’m not in a crazed, obsessive state of mind investigating things like a detective from a Raymond Chandler novel.
2. Be Clear That You Won’t Lie about It
In the following years, Jack would share something with me and would tell me he expected me to lie if I were confronted with the issue, I started making it clear beforehand that I wouldn’t do that. I could reassure him that the odds of another Tom confronting me were slim-to-none, but that didn’t reassure him forever. Eventually, people who are sharing needless gossip will be turned off by your commitment to truth. Funny, how those two sins go hand-in-hand. Jack eventually stopped sharing gossip with me and started sharing ideas, goals, and desires. Although we don’t talk much anymore, it’s still nice to hear positive things about his life.
3. You Won’t Feel Better Talking about It
Just don’t tell anyone. Pretty self-explanatory. My former pastor, Steve, once told me that his wife was surprised by the amount of things he heard and never shared with her. Not in a cold, withholding way, but in respect to the person who confided in him. Some things you have to tell your pastor, some things aren’t that serious. Some things affect other people, some things don’t. The fact of the matter is, you don’t always need to tell someone else under the guise of “I just have to get this off my chest.” Hopefully, you’re in a good, biblical church with a trustworthy pastor who can help you determine whether something needs to be shared. For instance, if someone is being hurt or abused, you need to call the authorities; it’s one of the only things the police are good for. If you do reveal something to your pastor, and the confider of the information finds out, your pastor can be there to guard you and help restore the relationship.
4. Don’t Believe Everything You Hear
Finally, don’t believe everything you hear. I was at a church a long time ago with whom I was having a myriad of problems, I got to talking to a friend of mine who wanted to know what was going on. I told her what I could, and then assured her that I loved the church, and more importantly, Jesus loves the Church. “Even if a wrecking ball hits this place, Jesus still loves the Church.” I told her. I walked away from that conversation feeling great, I had assured my friend that God’s will was going to be done one way or the other through this situation, and that Christ still loved the church if I moved on from there. A while later, however, when I had my final meeting with the assistant pastor, I was informed that my friend had been telling people that I said, “I hope a wrecking ball hits this place.” That’s wildly out of context. It’s interesting what you’re left with when you completely remove Jesus from the conversation.
Make sure that you are cognizant of how Jesus would receive your conversation if He were there with you. We know that He’s omnipresent, and He very much is there with us during those conversations, but we don’t often act like it. So, here’s my final encouragement to you: Ask yourself to what this conversation amounts. Because odds are, the bare bones of it amounts to nothing but a wrecking ball hitting your church.